As I lay in bed, unable to channel my thoughts on anything but life’s uncertainties, I think of how far I’ve gone to stop hurting.
I’ve struggled with depression since grade 7. For the past three years of my life, I’ve gone through mainly two phases: finding myself and losing myself.
I’ve tried everything to make me feel better, or worse. Over excessive drinking, self harming, talking to people about it. But somehow I’ve only been able to stay happy and healthy for around a month and a half.
Today I’m going to make myself a promise. I’m going to get better.
I’ve come to a point where I’ve realized happiness is truly an internal emotion. No matter how much I drink away my sadness, cut away my pain, or talk out my frustration it has never been enough. Every time I’ve cut I’ve gone further each time, it has never been enough.
I’m sick of not being happy. I’m sick of scars all over me. I’m sick of not being able to sleep off the tiredness I have.
I’ve realized that I need to disconnect for a while. No more Facebook and no more texting. I’ve realized that before I keep shutting myself down because I can’t make others happy with me, I need to be happy with myself.
In the past week I’ve gone from the state of a sad 15 year old girl wearing a fake smile to a girl who looks in the mirror and sees a face she can’t identify with and a personality she’d rather burn to a deeply conflicted girl who can’t sleep because of all the crying she’s been doing.
I’m going to change.
I’m going to be a girl who doesn’t have to wear a mask of happiness. No more facades, no more faking. I want to introduce people to the real me.
Today is May 19th, 2012.
Today is when I get better.
Today is now.
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